From time to time, we have to introduce ourselves to others. Some are very good at it (among them those who know themselves very well or those who can always keep a straight face) while others fumble the task every time (count yours truly among this group).
The following is one way to make a horribly bad self-introduction in both social and business situations. If the goal is to make a good impression, doing the complete opposite of the following may be a good start. First off, I present the perfect way to keep people from wanting to know you in social settings. (I have put in some negative personality traits that I possess. So to make the introduction more genuine, replace the traits that don't apply to you with some traits that do.)
"Hello, my name is [insert name] (the best way to really shock others is to actually say 'insert name'). I have been listening to you and your voice makes me want to scream.
(After being asked what kind a person you are) "I am someone who is paranoid, introverted, and pessimistic. Even if you try to encourage me, it would feel like I am being pressured and I would get nervous. I always imagine that should I initiate contact, the worst outcome would occur.
"I always feel I will make a mistake and get things wrong. Don't ever congratulate me if I do things right or accomplish something. They are results of me being lucky and things falling in the right place, that is all.
"Contrary to what you are thinking, I hate talking. Every time someone asks me a question, I feel like I am being interrogated, even when the question is as simple as 'How are you doing?'. Even if I give an answer, my expressions will tell you that I am not being honest immedately. Don't expect me to initiate a conversation, either, as it feels like I am trying to pry into other people's minds.
"Someone had said that being shy is the same as being selfish and I AM shy. You will quickly realize I am selfish as well — I care little about others and I prefer others to care little about me.
"There are few things that I am interesting in, and I have no hobby to speak of. My definition of a good time is being alone with my thoughts. When I am with others, I try to make myself look bad or weird.
"If you think I am the worst person you have ever met, which I probably am, sorry for wasting your time and I wish you a good life. If you think I am just saying these in order to shock you and I don't mean what I say, you will agree with my description of myself after getting to know me."
The following is what not to say when someone are introducing oneself in a business setting, say in an interview.
"Hello, my name is (insert name). Inspite of what I am about to say, I don't know much about myself.
"I am prone to mistakes and I can repeat the same mistake over and over. When someone shows me the right way to do things, I often do not follow it completely. Even when I do, I can manage to do it wrong somehow. I am willing to admit I am wrong, but I am too stubborn to correct them. At the same time, even when I do things correctly I tend to think I have done something wrong.
"As you have probably noticed, I used the term 'I' a lot. I am certain that I am self-centred and put myself ahead of everything else. For me, the worst thing to happen is to be a part of a 'team'. One of two things will happen: the team members will drag me down, or I will bring failure to the team.
"I am afraid to ask questions even those that would clarify things, and I tend to wait until a problem becomes urgent before acting. Often I am so immersed in my work that I fail to take a step back in order to notice the work needs an overhaul. Rarely do I realize there are better ways to work unless I am reminded by someone else.
"I don't work well with others and tend to do things my own way, even when it is the wrong way. I often work in vaccum and think that my work is only read by myself and at most a handful of others. I do listen to other's advices, but it takes me a long time before I change my way of doing things, if ever. This is true for any kind of the advice giver.
"If you think I am the worst candidate you have ever met, which I probably am, sorry for wasting your time and I hope interviewing me does not tarnish your and your company's reputation. If you think I am just saying these to distinguish myself from other candidate, you will agree with my self-description after working with me long enough."
Of course, I never heard of anyone using the above to introduce oneself. However, these introductions have one positive — at least the listeners will think that the speaking is being honest (or is it just what I like to believe).