Sacremento, California — On the first anniversary his inauguation as the governor of California, Arnold Shwarzenegger announced that he will be introducing a new program to encourage schoolchildren to perform more physical activity.
"Too many children in Kalifornia have been sitting on their bums for far too long," Mr. Shwarzenegger said in a press conference. "I think this program will help the kids to become more active, more like me.
"When this program is fully implemented, all students in Kalifornia will be as fit as anybody when they leave school, maybe as fit as I am."
Mr. Shwarzenegger, wearing a suit not unlike that he wore in the movie Twins, only revealed parts of his plan, saying that he will present his program in full when he introduces it to the California state legislature. However, he introduced parts of his plan to the media during the press conference.
"First off, all children have to pass the Terminator physical exam. It is a simple test — all they need to do to pass this test is to outrun T-1000 and outsmart TX.
"Those who fail the exam will be required to complete an obstacle course in which they have to get past obstacles that I personally designed. To ensure that they will be on alert at all times, I will send a legion of Predators to chase after them. For variety, I may replace the Predators with my clone from the 6th Day in from time to time.
"This program sounds difficult, but a fitness program should not be designed in a way that any girly men can pass.
"I will also offer tax breaks to those who purchases my bodybuilding tapes. To get with the times, they are now available in DVD, whatever that stands for."
Mr. Shwarzenegger also made a suggestion to get parents involved in physical activity.
"Families that spend time together tend to stay together. So I propose that in every school year, parents have to rescue their children the way I did in True Lies. That way, parents and children can spend some quality time together.
"This plan will keep health spending in check. Also, the nation can spend less on war machines in the future, since every citizen will be able to defeat any incoming threat solo, like I did so many times before."
There is one kind of sporting venue, however, that the governor is steering away from.
"I am not going to increase funding to the ice rinks. I don't want to recall that movie in which I was Mr. Freeze. Anyone who mentions the movie's name will get to spend some quality time with my freeze ray."
One reporter raised a question towards the Governor, saying that his plan will only make bullies stronger. Mr. Shwarzenegger replied with this response:
"Yes, bullies may become stronger with this program. But the geeks and shut-ins will also have to participate. I am sure this plan will help those being bullied to stand up to those bullies. After they pass this program, puny kids will not be pushed around anymore. I will make sure that no child in Kalifornia will be bullied the way I was bossed around by those kids when we were shooting Jingle All the Way, Kindergarden Cop, and the Last Action Hero."
The Governor also made a remark about how his plans for the future.
"For now, the plan will only be implemented in Kalifornia. However, I am working hard so that someday this fitness program will be implemented throughout America. I look forward to the day when I sign this bill in the Oval Office.
"Please support the campaign to amend the Constitution so that foreign-born citizens of the U.S., like me, can run for President. Too many people are denied the opportunity to run the country. This has got to change. Now!"
He ended the press conference with the following statement:
"Hasta la Vista, baby. And I'll be back!"