The following is a collection of short "news" stories I wrote for an issue of mathNEWS which spoofs the TV show This Hour has 22 Minutes.
A New Brunswick man is suing the N.B. amateur hockey association after the association chose another player, rather than his son, as the winner of the most valuable player award.
Michael Croteau is suing for $300,000 in psychological and punitive damages and wants the hockey association to take away the MVP trophy from the one who won the award and give it to his son.
In a interview, Croteau claimed that his son was so devastated for not winning the MVP award that he lost the desire to play hockey again.
"My son was so confident that he would win the MVP that he spent $50 of his own money to buy a shirt and tie for the awards ceremony," said the plaintiff. "And he was humiliated."
The hockey association did not make an immediate responce to the suit and has asked the Canadian Hockey Association for advice on the matter.
Upon learning about the suit being filed, the New Brunswick Education Ministry has filed a suit against Mr. Croteau. The details of the suit are sketchy, but 22 Pages has learned that the Ministry is seeking $400,000 from Mr. Croteau. A spokesman stated that the Ministry has the right to demand back the money that it spent on educating Mr. Croteau, after he filed such a "ridiculus lawsuit" and "being a sore loser".
Stay tuned for further developments.
At the same time...
(Note: This story is made-up — it is created to spoof the news story above.)
22 Pages has learned that a recent high school graduate has filed a lawsuit against a university in Southern Ontario after it refused him admission into a prestigious computer science program.
The plantiff, who requested to remain anonymous, told 22 Pages that he will be seeking $1 in emotional damage and lost potential income.
"I worked my heart out in my final year, sacrificing my time, personal life, and fitness, trying to gain entry into this university, but all it did was to send me a mass-produced rejection letter," said the 19-year-old man. "I saved and worked in the sewers to make enough money to buy a nice suit for my university convocation. Now I feel crushed. I am doing this so that no one in the future will have to endure what I went through."
The University has declined to comment on the situation, but a woman working for the Registrar's Office said that the University would ask the court to throw the case out, citing that the suit could set "a dangerous precedent" and become "detrimental to the post-secondary education system".
Last month a group of Japanese scientists identified an enzyme in onions that makes people cry. They stated that it triggers the production of a chemical that irritates the tear glands and causes people to cry. The scientists claim that this discovery may lead to creation of a tear-free onion.
Officially, the scientists are planning to study how the enzyme contributes to the taste of an onion. However, sources close to 22 Pages has informed us that the scientists are secretly working on isolating the chemical that causes their children to throw tantrums during dinner, especially when they serve vegetables, and to reach for junk food by any possible means. They are also working with a group of Canadian scientists to figure out the chemical in milk that causes the Moo sound when a milk carton is shaken.
A Dutch study revealed that drinking more than 7 cups of coffee a day can reduce the chance a person gets Type 2 diabetes by one half. This came as good news to truckers, whose high calorie diet put them at risk for Type 2 diabetes in the first place. This also means computer science students everywhere now have a reason to drink more, not less.
Vegan musician Moby recently called for Americans to call the Butterball hotline and tell the company that there is no good way to kill turkeys. He was recording a telephone message for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals when he made the statement.
Upon hearing of the above news, the National Flatbread League, America's leading-promoter of pita, made a statement concerning Moby's remarks. It claimed that the extreme measures used by some members of PETA to make their point is over-the-line and gave the word "PE-ta" a bad name. The NFL has filed a suit to force PETA to change its name.
However, it was revealed that the National Flatbread League is involved in a naming controversy of its own. It is fighting the National Football League for the used of the abbreviation NFL.