Hold the Phone

Has the following happened to you: you are about to leave the house/cooking/in the middle of a meal etc. and the phone rings. You pick up the phone and there is someone trying to convince you to change phone/internet company, to sign up for a credit card, to take a survey? It probably has happened to each of us way too many times. There are people who are petitioning to create a no-call list, but don't hold the phone on that.

Since telemarketers will not disappear anytime soon, we would have to continue to deal with them. So the next time a telemarketer calls you, instead of just hanging up, try using the following lines:

(Warning: The following are for entertainment purposes only and I don't recommend anyone using any of the following in their answering machines. Also, don't use them on calls from your friends, relatives, or coworkers. Otherwise they might fire back in kind. Also remember that it is a person on the other end of the line.)

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line while we ignore your call.
All of our operators are on break at this moment. Please hold while our operators finish their fistfight/meals/coffee/game of Risk/Halo.
You have reached the residence of (insert name). If you are a telemarketer, we are not interested in what you are selling; if you are a pollster, I have no opinion on any subject matter; if you are trying to convince to change phone companies, I am totally happy with my phone service.
Your call has been placed in a queue. There are only 1000 calls before we get to your call.
Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line while we put you to sleep. (Then play an endless loop of a lullaby of your choice.)
If you are trying to get me to sign up for a credit card, I regret to inform you that I am not interested. Please don't call me ever again.
You have reached the House of Pain. Press 1 for endless screaming; press 2 for fingernails sliding down a chalkboard; press 3 for constant ringing of a fire alarm...
This phone will self-destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 (explosion sound).
This call will cost you $1.35 per minute. The timer starts...now. (This method probably only works once.)
Please take time to take the following survey: How does it feel to work in a position where all you do is annoy others? How would you feel if someone calls you while you are having a meal? How would you feel if a stranger trys to sell you something you don't need while you are in a hurry?

I haven't think of a good way to deal with those annoying spam (email, not the luncheon meat. On second thought, maybe both). So until someone comes up with a way to clear all spam, the best way to deal with spam is to throw them out. (Of course, you could try to jam the spam senders' mailbox, but then you would become a spammer yourself.)