The US Presidential Election is finally upon us, and most of us are relieved that the race will end soon (at least among those who are too old to remember when was the last time there was no campaign coverage in the news). It seems that the race has gone on forever. The mud-slinging and daily spin will finally subside.
Both sides have used everything at their disposal to convince the undecided voters to vote for their candidate. However, it seems that millions worth of ads, endorsements from old rivals, and the debates did little to convince the undecided to get off the fence. As a result, we at the World Logical Battle Federation decide to offer a little help in helping people decide — with a one-on-one match between George W. Bush and John Kerry. (Why not? There is a cellphone game in the US that allows you to play as either candidate and to knock out the other.)
The WLBF pitched the idea to both the Bush and Kerry campaign teams, but they responded with laughter, ridicule, scoldings, slammed doors, and punches to the faces of our representatives. The WLBF also presented an alternate plan in which the VP candidates can duke it out. Unfortunately, the two campaigns drove us out with a fervour that would make some WLBF veterans proud.
Realizing that it is impossible to get the candidates to battle it out in a ring, the WLBF decided to come up with another way to commemorate this battle — we have chosen two fighters will similar pedigree and records to represent the two sides. We would like to take some time to introduce the two combatants.
The first fighter is known as "the Elephant". He was trained by his father for many years and has helped his father to climb to the top of the ladder. He then travelled to Texas and won the State Championship. 4 years ago, he won the title bout on points, after a controversy in which the accuracy of a ringside judge's scorecard was questioned. Many challengers have tried to knock him down when he was weak, but he has an uncanny ability to bounce back. He also stands strong on the ground and it is difficult for anyone to knock him off his position. The Elephant performs greatly when provoked and believes that the best way to take out an opponent is to hit him hard before he had a chance to strike.
The Elephant will be facing off against "the Stallion", a brawler who has won many events throughout Massachusetts. In a major event where he was considered a long shot, he surprised everyone by defeating the odds-on favourite with a convincing knockout. Much of his arsenal consists of skills he acquired during the Vietnam War era. Many who fought him claimed that he often used his flip-flopping ability to get out of trouble. He also has a special attack in which he puts his opponents to sleep by talking endlessly. According to his trainer, the Stallion's preferred type of combating is the tag-team match-up. Recently, he has attacked his opponents with a more direct approach, and the early reviews are good.
The two combatants have already begun the pre-match rituals — the fighters have hurled insults, mud, and accusations at each other on a daily basis. Even at the weigh-ins they have traded barbs. They have even used 30-year old fodder to weaken their opponent.
The WLBF has yet to choose a location to hold this battle. The planners of this event hope to hold this event in Gettysberg, PA, as some say that America has not been more divided since seven scores and one year ago. The WLBF has guaranteed that the battle will be decided before 11:59PM on November 2, or the fans will get their money back.