There have been numerous discussions, arguments, and fisticuffs over the issue of the actual height of the Smurfs for as long as the group existed — many friendships were broken due to disagreements over how tall the Smurfs are, and people getting into fights for defending their position on the height of the Smurfs. To end this argument once and for all, a group of scientists captured a group of Smurfs to conduct a research.
The scientists claimed that they found and captured the Smurfs by using only natural methods. Naturally, many people were skeptical about this. Sources close to mathNEWS indicate that the scientists were indeed telling the truth, but the method the scientists employed was rather unconventional — the scientists bowled watermelons at the Smurfs, knocking them unconscious. The Smurfs were then transported to the lab using the method most familiar to them — they travelled in a white cotton bag to simulate their natural habits.
The scientists of this project tried to use the most conventional method — measuring by apples — at first, but they realized that they didn't have any apples in their lab. They tried to create one by modifying the genes of a pear, but an orange was produced every time. The scientists then resorted to using rulers to measure the Smurf, but the scientists broke out in a boxing match from arguing over which tape measure to use. Those involved in the fight were seriously hurt and a few onlookers were injured for being too close to the action.
Exhausted from their "research," the scientists took some time to rest and those who went unscathed went outside to unwind. Upon their return, armed with store-bought apples, the scientists continued their work. They tried to use laser to measure the Smurfs' height, but scrapped the idea after they realized that they couldn't measure without removing the hats. The scientists tried many sophisticated ideas and none of them worked. (They never asked the Smurfs to take off their hats.) The scientists then used the apples they bought to measure the Smurfs, but they had eaten the apples before they could start the measurements (since they were starved). As a final resort, the scientists stacked a number of Smurfs, one on top of another, and put them against a metre stick. The Smurfs couldn't support each other, and fell onto the ground. The metre stick laid flat over the pile of Smurfs. Disgusted by the events, the scientists concluded that the official height of a Smurf should remain at 4 apples.
The final tally of the research is: 5 concussed Smurfs, 7 Smurfs suffering from flatness of body, 3 scientists taken to hospital for injuries to their legs, 2 scientists developed apple-phobia, 8 scientists hospitalized due to the injuries they suffered from the fistfight, and an unknown number of Smurfs escaped. Those Smurfs remained at large; if any reader sees a Smurf don't approach them, as they are small and sneaky.
Jason "the Screaming Smurf" Lau
with assistance from Mark McDermot